Sassy Saturday: Jesse Jane’s Futurotic Pussy
It has been entrusted to me to receive, free of charge, Jesse Jane’s Futurotic Pussy With Multi-Speed Vibrations, to fuck this “1 Pound of Pure Ecstasy” made of “New Futurotic Material” (which, to my untrained cock, felt like—well—rubber), and review it.
First, it’s my pleasure to announce that I had a hell of a time getting inside my Jesse Jane replica. This was a tremendously good thing for my ego. It’s not often that one feels too large for a rubbery porn star.
But my overall experience was generally terrible. However, I assure those of you in the market for porn star pussy replicas, that my poor experience had more to do with me than the product. The product is what it claims to be. It’s a big hunk of futuristic rubber that looks like a pussy. There’s a little hole in the top to stick a little egg shaped vibrator (included) that makes the rubbery pussy shimmy and jiggle. You fuck it. Then you come. And if you do it right, you come out this little hole in the back, which I didn’t figure out till the second go. So, yeah, the first time was a mess and who the hell needs masturbation with a bunch of icky cleanup? Not this guy.
But anyway, it’s slippery rubber that vibrates and you put your dick in there. What could possibly be wrong with this? Nothing. Unless the reviewer is extremely self-conscious with a touch of sexual repression.
As I mentioned, at first I couldn’t get inside this thing and that was frustrating so I’m losing my wood. Now get this. I’m lubing myself up and lubing up my rubbery replica by jamming two fingers in it like I’m an 8th Grader in a baseball dugout. I finally slide into Fake Jesse, catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and think “You are undoubtedly the most ridiculous man on planet earth. At this very second, you are the goofiest motherfucker alive.”
And that’s not sexy.
But again, that has more to with me than the product. Listen. I got a wife and two kids sleeping upstairs and I’m fucking a pound of rubber. How am I supposed to feel? But give that thing to me when I was 15, back when I tore apart the house looking for anywhere to put my dick—now you’re talking. I once put my dick between my mattress and bedspring and nearly ripped the thing off. Jesse Jane’s Futurotic Pussy was way, way better than that. Thumbs up. 4 Stars.
It goes without saying that this product is a far cry from good old vaginal sex. But if you’ve got the time for all the setup and clean up and you’re nowhere near a mirror, it’s probably better than your hand and lotion. It’s this simple, really. If you’re looking for a piece of vibrating rubber to stick your cock in, Jesse Jane’s Futurotic Pussy will not disappoint.
(Sex toys provided by Eden Fantasys adult store.)
8 Responses to “Sassy Saturday: Jesse Jane’s Futurotic Pussy”
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curiously, i was at a party last night. a party where this exact futurotic pussy was passed around and we were told we all needed to BUY THIS NOW for our husbands (even the imaginary husbands that i personally do not have!). because, as the person hawking the goods said, “it would save us from having to claim we had a headache!”
(i’ll share that this same person was also attempting to sell me silicone lube so i could have STRAIGHT pubic hair instead of curly…)
i spoke up and said while it could be a nice addition to the treasure chest at the foot of the bed, insisting that married mommies shove this futurotic pussy at their husbands instead of actually, perhaps, being honest and, oh, i don’t know, maybe even having SEX, seems to only perpetuate the myth that men need/want to get their rocks off more than women do.
is there a point? yes.
i do think men need vibrating fun toys, too. in all fun shapes and sizes. even married men. and as a married man, you just said it worked well enough. but i don’t think the marketing should be, “it’s for the ‘headache nights’”.
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Does it come with a car adapter? Sitting in traffic is such a waste of time. If I could get laid, that would be time well spent.
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I love what nakedjen had to say — perpetuating that stereotype is damaging in general. I’m ALL for sex toys, but to enhance, not to replace!
And BusyDad – you rock.
Great review, new Room 704 dad.
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Gotta say, I’m a little skeeved that I never though about men having to clean up after ‘alone times.’
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Okay, I laughed so hard I choked. Shit. NOW what am I supposed to get the husband for Christmas???
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OMG best review ever. Love it. And my husband’s birthday IS in a couple of weeks… Hmmm…
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Any cheap pocket pussy from J-List is a better choice than this. If Money is no obstacle VRInnovations.com makes the premiere plugin sex toy for men, that if you have two of can also be the premeire sex toy for couples.
Which makes it a much better choice for birthdays.
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Hilarious. & amen to the “don’t perpetuate the headache myth” chorus.
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