My lump. My lump. My lovely lady lump.
(Originally Published Februrary 25, 2009)
About eight months ago I found a lump. I found it on my thryoid and decided either I was born one of those half female-half male types and my parents never told me OR it was no big deal.
I went with no big deal.
Earlier this week I noticed that lump again only this time it was bigger. [Insert fear! Panic! Mayem! GOOGLE DIAGNOSING] So I thought I better go get that bitch checked out. (Mostly because Twitter said so. Yo, smart twitter. Rawk.)
I went in to the doc who tugged, pushed, and fondled my lump. She asked me to swallow. I did. (Shudup, this is NOT a porn site. GOOD GRIEF naughty people. Ok fine I giggled, too.) She decided it was a lump, it was there, it needed further inspection and not only was I not crazy but it was.. well.. SOMETHING.
Yey for the not being crazy part. I think that’s the first time I heard that come out of a doctor’s mouth before. Taking notes on that.
So I go to my friend’s house and see those people in real life that pretty much keep me sane. Or at least make my insanity feel sane. Whatever. We’re talking about this, that, and whatever and I tell them about my lump. I go to the bathroom to further inspect said lump and do you know what I find?
A hair.
A long, black motherfucking hair.
Out of my neck.
Nice.
You know those hairs that just sort of GROW out of your neck? (I mean, DON’T YOU?) You get that one, long silvery shiny hair that just sort of shows up one day and OH HAI You are SEVEN FEET LONG OVER NIGHT. WTF. It’s like your neck hair folical went on acid and just crapped out a long hair.
Like that. Only on me it’s not this long shiny thing it’s sordof black next to my translucent vampire-like skin.
Little black hair. Oh you dirty bitch.
So there it is in all it’s long glory staring at me in the mirror. And I realize, it’s not just staring at me, but my doctor was right there, fondling, testing, checking next to that long black hair.
Hi doc. I shave. My fucking neck.
Maybe not, but you know? I’m pretty glad I’m completely self confident in my womanhood because otherwise I might TOTALLY be embarrassed right now.
Now excuse me, I’m off to tweeze my neck. And possibly the crevice between my boobs. If you care to know.
33 Responses to “My lump. My lump. My lovely lady lump.”
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Author: Mrs. Flinger
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Oh this was SO worth the wait. You effin Yeti.
Heh. Well, on the list of embarrassing things that COULD have happened, a long black hair is at the bottom. At least in my opinion.
Having said that, I’m glad it happened to you and not me.
:0)
Hope the testing turns up some wacky hormonal imbalance that produces lumps and long black hairs. And is easy to fix.
You need to give him (assuming it’s a him) a name…claim it and name it! That way you can cuss out the bastahd.
Oh yeah, so totally been there. Could wrap it around my finger not once, not twice, but thrice. YANK!
I don’t even want to talk about chin hairs.
First of all, I can’t believe your girlfriend just called you a fucking yeti! That SO rocks!
B: I’m hoping your (un)lovely lady lump is some harmless side effect of being awesome!
I have a random hair that grows out of my forehead. Like the MIDDLE of my forehead. I call him Murray.
You must name it. Own that shit, yo.
P.S. you click to keep reading link is broke.
P.P.S. Let me know who I contact to place ads on this site please.
long silver hair – appears randomly on cheek under right eye. Always at least 1 inch long prior to discovery despite checking specifically for it weekly.
Buhaha! Now I gotta have a name for that bitch.
Let’s see. Ideas? Also, is it a him or a her? I think her = the hair and him = that bad bastard of a lump. Because the hair, she is just a poor ol’ folicle gone bad. But that lump? Sortda pissed at him.
Lump = Ned.
Woudl it be weird to name my long black hair after liz lemon? BUHAHA. Yea. I thought so too,
Also, P.S. I LOVE YOU PEOPLE.
You and your neck hair are just seriously fucking hilarious.
Oh yes, the random, almost-mutant hair. I know that well. I guess I should be thankful that mine has the good sense to at least hide in my bra!
Her name, it is Shirley.
I’m glad you got Ned all felt up and I hope you evict the bastard.
Hilarious! (Off to find my tweezers to deal with shit over here.)
Glad you went to the doctor.
And the random hair that came out of no where, yeah, I only wish I had one. My village of hairs could come and raise your one lonely hair.
((hugs))) keep us updated.
So are you or are you not a hermaphrodite with a beard? I’m confused.
This room is very pretty.
best graphic evah
Maybe your random neck hair and my random chin hair should set up a playdate…you know, to keep them “socialized” and all…
OMG I’m dying right now laughing. While I’m sorry to hear you found both a lump and a hair, I have to say that I’m glad I’m not the only one with a psycho thyroid and neck hair. Thank god for drugs and tweezers is all I have to say. Oh and lighted, magnifying mirrors.
One long hair? Puh-leese. Come back to me and bitch when you have a whorehouse-worth of follicles gone bad on your neck.
Kidding – bitch all you want. I remember being horrified at the first long dark hair on my neck. And recently the first long dark chin hair.
Anyone know if 33 is too young to start estrogen therapy? I feel so un-girly with my renegade hairs.
And I’m hoping your neck lump turns out to be nothing to worry about.
You can always have your neck waxed. It can’t possibly be more uncomfortable/painful than a Brazilian.
I found the same said hair a few months back, and I wrote a very similar post about it. I tell you this only to warn you about the google searches you are about to incur. Disturbing stuff, that. Brace thyself.
Also, we should start a club. the hair club for chics. The NECK hair club for chicks. HAWT.
I can’t believe you had a hair in your lovely lady lump.
#snort
OMG, now i’m obsessively checking for stray hairs! I think i’ll name mine Clementine. Or Theodora. Hmmmm……..
Hope Ned is nothing, and you get answers quickly!
;(
*hugs*
i commented before and your bitchy site ate it.
i cannot believe the similarities between us, the list gets longer and longer and longer….just like the hair on our necks.
move to canada, betch. i will let you live here. for free.
Knock wood, I haven’t had the random hair growth.
Everything else is falling apart though. I started going grey when I was 17. My hair is almost completely silver now. (I’m a lazy, lazy bitch and refuse to dye it.) I wasn’t upset about going grey early, but I’m pissed now. My mother fucking eyebrows are going grey. Fuck!
You simply MUST grow more than one. Then you can braid!
I was totally waiting for you to tell us that the lump WAS the hair, all coiled up under the skin. Sorry ’bout your hair.
Yetti’s are hot.
I’d still make out with you.
P.S. I think you should grow it out for Blogher and decorate it with rasta beads or a bow. It would be hot.
Watcha gonna do with all that lump all that lump in side that throat? I’ma whip you good, whip you good with my yeti neck hairs.
Something like that.
Also, my dearest aunt had the thyroid lump. The mayo clinic took it out. She’s on thyroid meds but otherwise all good.
Wishing the same all goods to you!
Maybe the lump is actually a huge hair follicle, just waiting for the right time to break free and strangle you, before heading off to try for world domination.
What?! It could so happen.
Am SO TOTALLY rockin’ out to my lump my lump. Whata gonna do with all that lump up in that throat.. Roaring.
My ultrasound is tomorrow at 11:45. Bloodwork is normal. So. I’ll let you know what sort of growth I have tomorrow! My magic hair growing thyroid bump.
Mine was discovered for the first time by my husband during the middle of a wedding (not ours, thank God!) So we sat there like two high school kids trying to mask our hysteria at my frantic yanking and pulling.
Aaand, I shall name her “Squishy” and I will hold her, squeeze her and love her…oh, wait.