Sassy Saturday – Afterglow Massage Candle
My wife lit Afterglow, the Natural Massage Candle and we waited for the wax to pool into “a high-slip massage oil that softens and hydrates the skin”.
TOP SECRET ROOM 704 DAD: I’m going to pour the hot wax in your vagina. I wonder if that’s cool or not. Did you read the directions?
JENNA: The box clearly says to NOT pour the wax in my vagina. What the hell, Top Secret Room 704 Dad?
TSR704D: It says “high-slip”. I thought the wax turned into a lubricant or something. You’re not curious about the confused sensual pain and pleasure of burning hot wax in your vagina?
JENNA: Not at all.
TSR704D: OK. I’ll just pour it all over your back, massage you, and hydrate your skin into a sexual frenzy.
JENNA: Well now I’m completely turned off. I can’t believe you want to pour burning hot wax in my vagina. I’ve been married to you 8 years and it’s like I don’t even know you.
TSR704D: I’ve only been a sex reviewer for a couple weeks. I’m supposed to explore the boundaries of sexual pleasure for the benefit of my readers. Stop trying to hold me back. God.
I rub the wax all over her back but it’s not very sexy because my wife is now convinced that she’s married to a stranger and I admit it: I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. I do not understand the transgressional nature of my sexual desire. It yearns to tear down the boundaries of conventional marital sex. Such is the danger of being a sex toy reviewer.
It never rubs in like lotion. The wax’s high-slip nature is perpetual. I worry about it making the sheets all yucky. I flop on my stomach for my turn and prepare for the wax to burn and sear into my back and catapult me into strange new regions of sadistic desire. It is lukewarm at best. She asks if it’s edible, licks my shoulder, and then spits in the garbage can 10-15 times.
The directions say that it is not edible. They also say to not pour the wax directly into the vagina. Afterglow, the Natural Massage Candle has the potential to provide couples with a sexy night of massage and fun. But they should read the directions first.
**Disclaimer: This is not a paid review. Eden Fantasys asked our writers & friends to review some sex toys *slash* vibrators *slash* romance kits n stuff. The only compensation is the product itself.**
4 Responses to “Sassy Saturday – Afterglow Massage Candle”
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For some reason I keep thinking of that line from Silence of the Lambs – “It rubs the lotion on its body.” And now I’m totally creeped out. Plus, my husband is not a very good back massager; he kind of gives me the 2-minute treatment & is ready to move on. Hardly worth the candle.
But, yeah, this?
“She asks if it’s edible, licks my shoulder, and then spits in the garbage can 10-15 times.”
That made me laugh so hard I almost woke my kid up.
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My esthetician just poured wax AROUND my vagina for my first-ever brazilian last week and you know what? It burned like a mo fo! Really hot wax on the cooter is not sexy at all.
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*snort* Too.Damn.Funny.
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This is hilarious! Keep it from those places PLEASE
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