My Dentist Thanks You by @outdoordogs

Upon my return from the bliss that was BlogHer, I posted about my shock at the contents of my Room 704 grab bag. As my roommates dumped their bags out and squealed with delight at the contents, I timidly poked one finger in the brown-paper-bag-abyss that secretly held the contents of my very first sex toy. (It took me five minutes to type those last two words.)

You see, this was not only my first *toy*, it was the equivalent of a bra burning in this household.

We had discussed the pros and cons of bringing in “nonorganic” additions to this union and came to the conclusion that there would be a competition. (Something along the lines of, “How in the hell can I keep up with something requiring four D batteries?!”) Needless to say, this little brown bag was much more than a ’swag bag’ to me.

I silently removed the contents, piece by piece, finding all sorts of unanticipated goodies. But the one TOP SECRET item that I had anticipated finding and already planned my speech to smuggle it into the house, was missing. It had been replaced, however.

By applesauce.

Yes, I received a pop-cap, squirt bottle of applesauce. (Which was delicious on the morning of my hangover.)

*****

A week after my return, I received a manilla envelope in the mail with the return address stating, “Room 704″.

Oh holy shit.

I skipped through the door, ran into the guest bedroom and locked myself inside.

With my sons beating on the door, begging to see the contents of the mysterious envelope that MUST HAVE contained a toy for mom to be so excited (snicker), they pounded with utter fury.

Wrapped in a pottery barn (snort) box was bath salts, warming oil and THIS little jewel.

Too scared to touch it, I smuggled it into my nightstand and then took two days to tell my husband about it.

He immediatly grabbed it, opened it and turned it on. No warning, no intimidation, nothing.

That thing? Shook every single filling I have loose and sounded like a weed whacker in the process.

3 Responses to “My Dentist Thanks You by @outdoordogs”

1. Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:

   02/01/2010 at 10:18 am

   Welcome to the world of OH MY HOLY HELL YES YES YES YESSSSSSSSS.

   [Reply]
2. Dawn (aka Kaiser Mommy) says:

   02/01/2010 at 1:16 pm

   I seem to remember you made some crack on twitter about not getting one. We just aim to make our readers happy.

   *ahem*

   [Reply]
3. Al_Pal says:

   02/10/2010 at 12:36 am

   Oh my *giggle*, how’d I miss THIS?
   Oh, right, I just now opened my feed reader.
   As you were!

   (Great writing; too funny!)

   [Reply]