I Failed An Ovulation Predictor Test by @vdog
You may have heard about how I like to pee on sticks. You may have also heard about how I managed to fail a pregnancy test.
Now? I’m taking it to a whole ‘notha level.
The ovulation predictor kit. Or OPK for those trying to conceive (TTC). Which, apparently, we are. I guess.
So. The OPK. I got a 10 pack at Costco. I downloaded an app (seriously) for my iPhone which tells me when I *should* ovulate and when I should start using my OPK.
So I started my OPK. I couldn’t get the gottdamn thing open, first of all, and second, I apparently have no clue as to how to piss on gottdamn absorbent pee sticks because I? GOT NO GOTTDAMN RESULT.
So I can piss all over the gottdamn thing, but nary a result in the RESULT WINDOW. Fuck me dead, as Kelley would say.
I try again the next day with one my neighbor gave me since they are done with the bebes. Same result. As in, there wasn’t one.
Shaysus FUCK. I KNOW I’m a cracker, but COMON.
When you’re trying to conceive, you learn that your ‘first morning urine’ contains the highest/most concentrated amount of hormones. You really, really do not like knowing this phrase, ‘first morning urine.’ It’s like, gross ‘n’ stuff.
ANYWAY. I try again with my first morning urine. Let’s call it FMU for fun.
AAAAHHHHhhhhhhh *whizzzzz*
I see the piss climbing up into the result window.
I see some blue tinges appearing.
YES!!! I GOT A RESULT!!!!
I’M NOT ABOUT TO OVULATE!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!
Thank GOD! I was beginning to think that I’m a paltry pee stick pisser!
Let’s repeat, shall we?
Next FMU, ANOTHER RESULT!! I. AM. ON. A. ROLL!!!
COULD IT BE? IS IT SHE? TWO DARK LINES!
Maybe I’m going to ovulate?
(You see, I’m very in touch with what I’m feeling, but couldn’t tell you when where or how I’m going to ovulate.)
Let’s repeat with the NEXT FMU!
No result. WOW. I *am* special.
How about once more with feeling?
Can you guess? No result.
I think I might just give up on this whole peeing on sticks business since I’m so bad at it. It’s a little bit of a blow to the ol’ ego.
I mean, WHO repeatedly FAILS pee stick tests?
Me. Apparently.
Also? Don’t ask me if I’m knocked up yet, because I don’t know. I fail pee stick tests. Just sayin’.
16 Responses to “I Failed An Ovulation Predictor Test by @vdog”
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The Great Divorce by @mrsflinger
Sure, I know CS Lewis wrote some crap about the division of the church and BLAHBLADYBLAH. But that wasn’t about ME. And people? IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT ME. I’ve recently become part of a divorced couple. Not with Mr. Flinger, no no, we’ll kill each other before we try to split our assets, both of them, but [...]
i’ve peed on so many sticks…opk and preg…it’s not even funny. this post totally is for me!
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Are you pregnant yet?
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Totally frustrating!
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Guess you’ll be joining me in PCOS-induced clomid.
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Pee in a cup. Seriously. is gross, yes. But I have dropped and ruined so many of those stupid sticks over the years, that I’ve learned gross is relative.
Really, fishing a stick out of the bottom of the toilet? Way worse.
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Way back in the day, when we were making babies (they’re 18 and 20 now!)there were no OPKs or TTCs or FMUs or LMNOPs. I had to put a thermometer in the ol’ vagoo and keep a chart. In pencil. And it still didn’t work.
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Girl, can’t you just pee into a dixie cup and then dunk the stick?
(I was an engineering student, you know – I’m full of great ideas like this)
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[...] 2. I Failed An Ovulation Predictor Test [...]
Those OPK tests never worked for me. NEVER. You know what did? This book.
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Reproductive/dp/0060937645
Seriously, I had no clue when I was ovulating either, but then I read this, and was all, “ohhhhh…” (It’s also kind of amazing just for the “holy crap, I had no idea my body did that!” factor.) Got pregnant the next month. No lie.
Oh, and I’m currently in the wait-and-see part of the month too. Maybe we should prepare a cocktail called the Bloody Valentine just in case it doesn’t work out and we need to get sloshed. XOXO
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The Mother Tongue Reply:
February 23rd, 2010 at 10:18 pm
YES, what she said! I used the Fertility Awareness Method and got pregnant after about a month of TTC (both times!).
I was kind of lazy about the charting, but the real money was in the so-called “cervical fluid”. Good lord did that ever work. If it’s clear and stretchy like an egg-white, hump like bunnies immediately. If everything’s in good working order, then voila: Baby.
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Yeah, that’s why I bought those digital ones. When it was negative, it showed a circle. When I was going to ovulate? A SMILEY FACE! Cuz they are impossible to read.
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I went totally old skool… I could tell you how but I think you may just vomit.
Egg white is all I will say.
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The Mother Tongue Reply:
February 23rd, 2010 at 10:19 pm
hahaha, I saved you the trouble of modesty and went all-out in my comment above…
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For The Lulz.
@Kelley, I remember a 704 post [tweet?] containing the phrase “egg white” in such context before. Don’t know which’a'thems gals used it, since anon, but. It’s out there. ;p
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I’m with some of the others — pee in a cup. I’ve always done it because I’m afraid that I’ll be the one failing a pee test.
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Okay, I totally win this one.
8 weeks pregnant with TWINS. TWINS!! The home stick? Negative…for a whopping SIX weeks!!! Go to the doctor, tell them I SWEAR I’m pregnant. I promise! I am NOT crazy. (At which point they look at me as if I AM crazy because CLEARLY I am. Who has negative pregnancy tests for SIX weeks and thinks they’re around 8 weeks pregnant???!! Me. The crazy one.)
The doctor does a urine test. Because theirs are so much better than the 538 I had peed on at home. Negative. I beg. I plead. Please do a blood test. Then, I shut up & say, “I’m a crazy woman and will never reproduce again” if it’s negative. They humor me. A woman 8 weeks pregnant with TWINS. They humor me.
My HCG level is through the roof. They do an ultrasound. You’re 8 weeks pregnant with TWINS. How did you NOT have a positive urine test? Because I’m special that way. That’s how.
Again. I totally think I win!
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