Yours, mine and … oh my GAWD! by @planetofjanet

There are very few things about growing old(er) that can be counted as cool and groovy. Like the senior special at IHOP, which for anyone over 55 (me!), you buy one entree and two drinks and you get another entree for FREE!!!!

Mostly, though, the aging process sucks rocks. Big giant boulders, in fact.

Including the parts where, although menopause has brought me the cessation of that monthly visit from Aunt Flo, that benefit comes with a certain — ahem — shall we say desert-like aspect.

Accordingly, the Wonderhubby and I have learned to adapt in many ways, including the use of the euphemistically termed “personal lubricant.”

We are always looking for a thrill — cheap or otherwise — so it seemed logical that we would be attracted to this his-and-hers thing, called (cleverly) Yours and Mine.

It comes in two separate bottles, one for him to use on her and one for her to use on him.

They’re color-coded, see? One is blue, one is purple. One for him and one for her. Used in tandem, the combination is supposed to be (and I quote) “thrilling” for both of you.

But here’s the problem:

Have you ever tried to figure out the difference between blue and purple IN THE DARK?

Plus, the writing on these suckers are teeny. And it doesn’t say HIS and HERS. It’s says YOURS and MINE.

Well, hell. Who is who here? You? Me? Her? Him? WTF???

I really wanted to give you a detailed review of what “thrilling” really means in the Casa de Janet’s Planet, but … uh … the bedroom scene really went more like this:

Wonderhubby: You want to use some … uh …?

Evil Wife: We have that two-fer stuff, if you want to use that.

Wonderhubby: *reaching into the nightstand drawer for the two tubes of thrill* Which one is which again?

Evil Wife: *squinting in the dark* I can never remember which one is which. What does it say on the bottles?

Wonderhubby: Wait, what is Yours? Is that mine? Or is that really yours? Is that yours for me or yours for you?

Evil Wife: WHAT???????

Wonderhubby: Wait. Is blue for you? Or is blue for me? Is this the blue one? Or is that really purple? I can’t see the color, and I cant see what it says. Can you see what it says?

Evil Wife: Wait wait wait. If it says Mine, is that for me or is that for you? Does this say Mine?

Wonderhubby: Wait. Is purple for you or for me?

Evil Wife: *totally ruining the mood* Oh, turn on the freakin’ light, for crap’s sake.

Instead, Wonderhubby reached for his cell phone.

What? You gonna make a call?

But no. He flipped it open and used the light from the phone to illuminate a blue tube labeled “Yours (for him)” and a purple tube labeled “Mine (for her).”

And I gotta tell ya, at this point? I had given in to hysterical, maniacally uncontrollable laughter.

It took a loooooooong time to get back to business.

~

The apparently-not-so-brutally-shy Janet blabs about everything at From the Planet of Janet, where even lube is not off-limits.

8 Responses to “Yours, mine and … oh my GAWD! by @planetofjanet”

1. TexasRed says:

   02/04/2010 at 1:32 pm

   Was it worth it, in the long run? (We’ve used the his/hers before, but not in the new snazzy packaging.)

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2. middle-aged-woman says:

   02/04/2010 at 2:35 pm

   If the lights are off at my place, it’s because I’m sleeping and you better not wake me up unless you’d like to have me amputate certain body parts shaped like that lube. They really should have been thinking of the fact that most of us “that age” wear freaking bifocals, people!

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3. cindy w says:

   02/04/2010 at 3:33 pm

   That? Is hilarious.

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4. Joyce-Anne says:

   02/04/2010 at 9:04 pm

   Hehehehehe

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5. Jenean says:

   02/04/2010 at 11:42 pm

   LOL I totally agree with you. Hubs and I practically had this same conversation a few nights ago. Actually, they do smell different, so I suppose that’s supposed to help, but it is really hard to tell in the dark

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6. Al_Pal says:

   02/05/2010 at 5:57 pm

   *giggle* Oh lord, that sounds funny and annoying.

   Maybe keep one in each nightstand?

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7. Meg says:

   02/06/2010 at 6:56 am

   Hilarious. I had wanted to try it, but it sounds like too much work!

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8. VDog says:

   02/06/2010 at 8:17 am

   Oh my word THAT is funny.

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