Green Cream to Make Your Poontang Scream* by @sleepynewmommy

About 7 or so years ago my dear husband (boyfriend at the time) was sent on his first deployment since we had started dating.  I was invited by one of our closest friends to come over and hang out at his house.  He was having a party…or so he said. 

When I got there, I found out that it was one of *those* parties.  With lingerie.  And massive dildos.  And vibrators.  And sexy good time fun.  And both men and women.  I wasn’t awkward around these things, but was not looking forward to hours of talking about such dirty things and not being able to have my man to go home to afterwards.  Right at the start, I was pegged as the only female in the party that was without someone.  The sales lady running the party laughingly told me to follow her.  She took me into the bathroom, scooped some bright green goop onto a little spatula-thingy and told me to spread it all over my hoo ha.  I looked at her like she was nuts.  I don’t normally like to associate green with my va jay jay.  But she promised me that I would enjoy it (heard that one before) and therefore I tried it (I’m easy…what can I say?).

Within minutes of preparing my cooter for St. Paddy’s Day, I felt this…tingling sensation.  Down there.  It wasn’t a bad tingling.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  Instead of announcing the state of my loins to the entire room, I instead took to chugging beers and mixed drinks that were passed my way.  But the alcohol took over, as it is wont to do, and I soon told everyone that this cream?  Is awesome.  I was horny as hell and could do nothing about it, short of humping the couch in front of everyone.  One more drink and I probably would have tried.  Actually, I might have tried, as the details of the night are kind of fuzzy.  I’m sure the woman was trying to torment me into buying something from her to relieve my pressure, but she doesn’t know that I long ago mastered the art of double clicking my own mouse, and that one’s free.

Later, after my man returned, we made a trip to the naughty store.  I found the same cream on the shelf and pointed it out to him (I had already told him the story).  He wanted to see it in action, so to speak, so we bought some.  That night I smeared the green goodness on and tried to sprawl out all sexy on the bed.  Instead of it making me irresistable, I’m pretty sure he laughed at the sight of my green snatch. 

One of the perks of this stuff was that it was supposed to be flavored.  For his pleasure, of course.  So we commence to our freak-fest.  The cream was…eh.  It still made me all tingly down there, but it didn’t make me have this massive orgasm that I was expecting.  Afterwards, I asked my husband what he thought.  While I don’t remember his exact words, I do know that it was a little unnerving for my lady bits to taste like spearmint. *cough*

Needless to say, the little jar of cream has been sitting in my nightstand ever since.  If I learned one thing that night, it’s that vaginas should neither be green, nor should they taste like something you eat after dinner.  We all know that comes before a meal.  (pun intended)

*title by my new girl crush, Rhyme Master Lotus

photo credit

7 Responses to “Green Cream to Make Your Poontang Scream* by @sleepynewmommy”

1. SarahInMI says:

   03/04/2010 at 8:50 am

   Why have I never heard the term “double clicking my own mouse”?!

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   Meg Reply:
   March 4th, 2010 at 9:13 am

   Bwahaha! It’s yours to use now Sarah.

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2. Nikki says:

   03/04/2010 at 9:13 am

   My husband and I got some cream like that but it wasn’t green it was white and tasted like butter cream frosting. LOL

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3. TJB says:

   03/04/2010 at 11:28 am

   A. Green. Cooter. Interesting! I adore the term “double clicking my own mouse.”

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4. Tonya says:

   03/05/2010 at 2:49 pm

   I should not have read that at work! Made it very hard to get my laughter under control so I could answer the phone.

   I guess he had minty fresh breath, right?

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5. AmazingGreis says:

   03/15/2010 at 10:54 am

   LMAO, just got around to reading this post. I too am in awe of the phrase DOUBLE CLICKING MY OWN MOUSE!!!

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6. Al_Pal says:

   03/19/2010 at 1:25 pm

   *giggle*
   Awesome. Gotta love the double click!

   [Reply]