Hi how are you, how are the kids, say do you still use the menstrual cup?

I remember Karen and Tanis raving about the Diva Cup. So I googled it after finding out my girlie bits are sorda funked. I figure, hey! I know! Why not wear a diva cup, save my funked up girlie bits AND the environment?! WIN WIN!

Apparently, though, the Diva Cup is like Bob Dylan. You either love him or you very much don’t.

So I asked my good friend Laura, who is a complete hippie in the best possible way, what she thought of the diva cup. She had a small orgasm and said, “OMG GET ONE.”

Alrighty then.

So she sent along a few links and I promised to check them out.

This is a good starting point, she tells me: http://menstrualcupinfo.wordpress.com/

This is for All Things Menstrual Cup: http://community.livejournal.com/menstrual_cups/

And this? Well, this is the most bestest for big heavy periods. Like mine! http://www.divacup.com/

I send these to a few other friends because HEY, let’s all have small orgasms when we talk about our feminine hygiene products! The replies I get? Vary from GROSS OMG NO to OMG I LOVE MINE.

Apparently facebook is particularly sensitive.

[REMIND ME TO PUT IN A PIC HERE OF THE FACEBOOK DISCUSSION]

I felt a little more comfortable after reading a few answers to my own questions.

For example.

What if it got sucked up in my uterus?

Apparently, if you know your anatomy, you will not poop your baby out, nor will you get anything “sucked up in” to your uterus. There’s this cervix that keeps things out of your uterus, and babies in. I slightly remember this in some sort of discussion when I was yelling at a doctor to remove a child from my body but it’s all one big haze and all I can remember is we had sex this one time and a kid got pulled out 9 months later.

Ok, so how do I USE it?

On your first trial with The DivaCup, make sure you are relaxed and have time to read the User Guide thoroughly beforehand. Insertion and removal will only take a few seconds once you master the technique.

Wash your hands well with warm water and soap. Rinse. While sitting or standing in a comfortable position, insert your DivaCup according to the following instructions.

Alright, that only sounds slightly gross and difficult. But I thought that about tampons and penises when I was 13 and look at how well I do with those now.

What if I’m getting my vagina re-structured?!

Thankfully, the Diva Cup site answers this concern:

Whew.

I have cramps that make me want to stab things. Will this help?

According to a fabulous resource (aka: personal experience of a stranger) “I have no scientific proof. But I seriously think the Diva Cup lessens cramps and quells pain. Since I have a history of fainting from crippling painful cramps, I am the first to wonder how a cup can contain this condition. But I think it does. Again, I have no scientific proof.”

What if my vagina is allergic to nuts?

So now that my main concerns are answered, I should probably just dive in. Right? There’s no reason not to. It’s good for my vagina, it’s good for the earth and it’s good for me.

I’m in. What say you?

So we trotted over to the other side of the store, and since it was almost St. Patrick’s Day, the bakery ladies were giving out their normal sugar cookies, only they were dyed green and cut out in the shape of shamrocks. Catie got her shamrock cookie and munched on it quietly while I got the rest of the groceries. Perfect.

Or so I thought…

Later that night, we were at home and I caught the unmistakable whiff of a poopy diaper. I took Catie upstairs, put her on the changing table, opened her diaper, and behold…

See the color of Lucky’s green suit there? That was the color of my child’s poop. My hand to God. It was not a color that you should ever see in nature.

I freaked out for a good five seconds or so, then remembered that damn grocery store cookie, and how much food coloring must be in them to turn a standard-issue sugar cookie into that perfect shade of dark shamrock green.

Then, I started to laugh. And I called my husband in to see. And my proper British husband who generally doesn’t appreciate potty humor, even he cracked up laughing. I wanted to take a picture of it, but that’s where he drew the line. “No photographic evidence of our toddler’s poop.” Fine. He’s probably right.

And yes, this year I will totally let her have another one of those shamrock cookies at the grocery store. But this year, I’ll be mentally prepared for the, *ahem*, technicolor after-effects.

Nine years ago, I had nothing to do but go to work and decide which friends I would ski with the next day, and which bar I would go to that night.  One day, purely by chance, I found out that my *ahem* “valley” wasn’t as green as I had thought and that it was in fact a brown infertile field.

While I saw doctors and took medicine and dealt with fatigue and nausea and saw more doctors and changed medications, I longed for those carefree years to return. A year later I found out that not only had the “valley” returned to green, much to my surprise, it was fer-tile.  34 weeks later, I was a mom.  I looked back longingly at a time when I could jump out of the car and run into a store alone, and when I could drive down the road without singing “How much is that doggie in the window” two hundred times so I didn’t have to hear the freaking crying the entire ride. 20 months later, when I was pregnant again, I ached for my first pregnancy when I could sleep late and take naps in the middle of the day and only had my own face to stuff. When my third child was born, four years and six weeks after the first one (I said fer-tile didn’t I?), I dreamed of the time when I had one hand for each child and my husband and I weren’t outnumbered.

Sixteen months ago we sold our house and moved into a rental. My heart ached to be able to paint my own walls and drive holes into them willy nilly.  We’re on our second rental now and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  I’ve wasted too much time looking back.  Now is the time I should be appreciating.  Now is when I should be feeling the joy.

The size of the mountains may vary from time to time. There may be the occasional brown patch. But our valleys, yours and mine, they are green right now. We just need to open our eyes, take off our shoes and wriggle our toes in the grass that is under our feet at this moment, because even though we can remember it a little, it’s always growing in different directions.  It will never be the same.

photo credit: Nicholas T. / CC BY 2.0

They say that wordplay helps you stay sharp.  Let’s see if I can think of a “green” thing for every letter of the alphabet!

Apple
Booger
Clover
Drunkard
Eco-friendly
Fungus
Grass
Half-baked
Immature
Jealousy
Kine bud
Leaves
Money
Naivety
Olives
Pickles
Quince
Rotten
Snake
Turtle
Unripe
Vertigo
Wintergreen
Xaslkdfjsd (SHUT UP I DARE YOU TO FIND ONE)
Yucca
Zucchini

What would you replace here with a different word?

Can you do a green ABC? (I bet you can’t figure out X, butthole. Yeah, I saw you laughing at me.)

I can’t talk about envy or green beer or even green panties.  Mah bitchez have already stolen those from me.

I’m not exactly environmentally friendly, as evidenced by the time we burned a tire in our front yard.  And some carpet.  And maybe a couch.  *cough* rednecks *cough*

Green pee after taking vitamins?  The Grinch?  Green poop?  When two people hook up and need antibiotics afterwards?  The moldy food in the back of my fridge?

And then it hit me that some boogers are green.  And I jokingly said that I would just post a picture of myself, in which I am picking my nose.  And then I was told by fellow staff writers that I should.  And I think we all know where this is going…

Also, it’s an easy habit to have when you wear a lot of black.

In my closet NOW about 40% of the shirts hanging (arranged by color and then sleeve length. Shut up) in my closet are green. I love the color green – it’s my favorite. I even bought a green laptop solely for the color, a mistake I won’t repeat next time around. Here I am, lots of green shirts, but…

No green underwear. No green bras. I have black, pink, white, nude, more black, more white, blue. But no green.

My first step in remedying this sitch was a trip to Target – they have damn near everything. Suddenly, it’s becoming clear to me why I have no green underwear. Ice cream sundaes? On my ass? REALLY? (Writer’s note: Please excuse the horrid quality of this photo. Do you know how hard it is to take pictures of underwear in Target without seeming like a total creeper?). Okay. So maybe Target doesn’t have everything.

I decided to shift my shopping endeavors to that of the internet variety. I found the lovely Shamrock thong from Old Navy, pictured above. Hmm. Seasonal and quirky, but not really what I’m going for. They also had the same print in a boy short. Fabulous. Next.

Victoria’s Secret. Her secret is that she doesn’t really like green. Except the variety of the green from your wallet going to her cash registers. I had no luck finding green – because I stubbornly refuse to consider “chartreuse” to be green. And hey, Vicki? A “Search By Color” function would be fabulous.

At Gap Body (My favorite, y’all), I did find a cute pair – green stripey bikini undies, but admittedly was so tuckered out by the search, I have yet to buy them. They’re just sitting stubbornly in my cart.

For some reason, green just isn’t a popular color for underwear. It’s a fashion mystery that completely boggles my mind and destroys my plan to become the hyperactive underwear-matchy-girl again. It’s a shame, really.

But I’m not giving up my dream. Oh no, not me. I still have hopes of a drawer full of green drawers.

Someday.

Just remember, we’re here to help, to educate, and to let you totally laugh at us.

It should be noted that we did finish off that bottle that night. Well, Miss did mostly. BUT she is happy to report that she didn’t have a hangover the next morning so if that helps pique your interest a bit more, you can order a bottle of Ardales 2007 here.

If you’re in the Eagle Rock, CA area, please drop by our favorite wine bar Colorado Wine Company. They are totally friendly and full of knowledge about wine and general awesomeness. Plus you can get pizza delivered to you from the place next door. Hard to beat. You can follow them on twitter too.

Interested in finding out more about Biodynamic Wines? Check out the wiki.

WARNING: Clicking on this link will take you to the Lush website. Lush products are highly addictive and filled with raindrops on roses. They come in brown paper packages tied up with string (or really strong packing tape). Basically, we love Lush and their products and highly recommend them but not if you have an addictive personality. Because this place will make you go broke buying up all the awesome.

Ahem.

You can find Herbalism here. It’s gentle enough for every day use and it makes your skin feel smooth like buttuh, so we recommend using it in the morning. Or before bed. Or in the afternoon. Also it pairs really well with Lush’s Tea Tree Toner tabs (say THAT three times fast) which are fun to do steamy home facials with. Tip: Bottle up the left over water from the facial in a mini spray bottle and store it in the fridge. Excellent skin soother on a hot day, or when you need to feel refreshed.

I’m telling you, Lush is fucking awesome.

Extra special thanks and kisses to our fabulous friend Kel (@rewritingkel) for doing our camera work and not laughing too hard at us.

Can’t wait to see you back here next month!