You see, this was not only my first *toy*, it was the equivalent of a bra burning in this household.

We had discussed the pros and cons of bringing in “nonorganic” additions to this union and came to the conclusion that there would be a competition. (Something along the lines of, “How in the hell can I keep up with something requiring four D batteries?!”) Needless to say, this little brown bag was much more than a ’swag bag’ to me.

I silently removed the contents, piece by piece, finding all sorts of unanticipated goodies. But the one TOP SECRET item that I had anticipated finding and already planned my speech to smuggle it into the house, was missing. It had been replaced, however.

By applesauce.

Yes, I received a pop-cap, squirt bottle of applesauce. (Which was delicious on the morning of my hangover.)

*****

A week after my return, I received a manilla envelope in the mail with the return address stating, “Room 704″.

Oh holy shit.

I skipped through the door, ran into the guest bedroom and locked myself inside.

With my sons beating on the door, begging to see the contents of the mysterious envelope that MUST HAVE contained a toy for mom to be so excited (snicker), they pounded with utter fury.

Wrapped in a pottery barn (snort) box was bath salts, warming oil and THIS little jewel.

Too scared to touch it, I smuggled it into my nightstand and then took two days to tell my husband about it.

He immediatly grabbed it, opened it and turned it on. No warning, no intimidation, nothing.

That thing? Shook every single filling I have loose and sounded like a weed whacker in the process.

The text:

Why Worry?

There are only two things to worry about.
Either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about.

Either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.

If you die there are only two things to worry about.

Either you will go to Heaven or Hell.

If you go to Heaven, there is nothing to worry about.

But if you go to Hell, you’ll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends,

You won’t have time to worry.

——

Being laid up with a broken ankle really sucks. But I don’t have to worry. Much.

Happy Sunday, y’all.

TOP SECRET ROOM 704 DAD: I’m going to pour the hot wax in your vagina. I wonder if that’s cool or not. Did you read the directions?

JENNA: The box clearly says to NOT pour the wax in my vagina. What the hell, Top Secret Room 704 Dad?

TSR704D: It says “high-slip”. I thought the wax turned into a lubricant or something. You’re not curious about the confused sensual pain and pleasure of burning hot wax in your vagina?

JENNA: Not at all.

TSR704D: OK. I’ll just pour it all over your back, massage you, and hydrate your skin into a sexual frenzy.

JENNA: Well now I’m completely turned off. I can’t believe you want to pour burning hot wax in my vagina. I’ve been married to you 8 years and it’s like I don’t even know you.

TSR704D: I’ve only been a sex reviewer for a couple weeks. I’m supposed to explore the boundaries of sexual pleasure for the benefit of my readers. Stop trying to hold me back. God.

I rub the wax all over her back but it’s not very sexy because my wife is now convinced that she’s married to a stranger and I admit it: I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. I do not understand the transgressional nature of my sexual desire. It yearns to tear down the boundaries of conventional marital sex. Such is the danger of being a sex toy reviewer.

It never rubs in like lotion. The wax’s high-slip nature is perpetual. I worry about it making the sheets all yucky. I flop on my stomach for my turn and prepare for the wax to burn and sear into my back and catapult me into strange new regions of sadistic desire. It is lukewarm at best. She asks if it’s edible, licks my shoulder, and then spits in the garbage can 10-15 times.

The directions say that it is not edible. They also say to not pour the wax directly into the vagina. Afterglow, the Natural Massage Candle has the potential to provide couples with a sexy night of massage and fun. But they should read the directions first.

**Disclaimer: This is not a paid review. Eden Fantasys asked our writers & friends to review some sex toys *slash* vibrators *slash* romance kits n stuff. The only compensation is the product itself.**

It’s possible that you would enjoy these Vaginally Challenged Bloggers:

Jim Lin

Adam Avitable

Matthew Henry

Ben Henry

I don’t know why these guys came to mind, this post has NOTHING to do with them.

I’ve been reading Heather, The Queen of Shake-Shake, for around two years now. I keep coming back for more because homegirl is HIGH-Larry-Us. Hilarious.

Heather can make us laugh at skid marks, fresh mait, and snatch flashes. In a word, this lady is FUNNY.

She’s also unbelievably gorgeous, put-together, well-tressed and damn near perfect. Bitch. I keed, I keed.

When I first starting reading Heather’s blog, I imagined she was a Queen of an Island — like Long Island, or something. Because she was just so damn hilarious and she had dark hair — and wasn’t she the stereotypical tri-state area woman?? No. No she wasn’t.

I was Not. Even. Close.

Heather is your fan-fucking-tastic Southern Belle, complete with homemade buttercream frosting. She rawks my socks off, and she’ll do the same for you.

Miss Queen of Shake-Shake is 704 material as evidenced in this recent post:

As we reach the door to exit, Payton turned around and yelled to the ENTIRE DAMN STORE…

“My mom NEEDS to drink!”

Shit motherfucker.

To sum: Add The Queen of Shake-Shake to YOUR Best Freakin’ Reads on the Net folder. You won’t be disappointed. And go show her a little Room 704 love, wouldja, please??

Now i’m high on vicodin and i guess some one had the bright Idea that I should wite a post about it.

Lidkt to hear it? her is goes.

So i SPEACLTYWNAK:GEH broke my ankelt a wek ago. 9am-ish. Gas stationss in gualala, ca.

OH AND MYB THE WEAY i would TOTES link to that bloggess post and blog ansd sutff BUT I”M HIGH. JUST SAYING>

Back to the story. I broke the ankel. in 3 places. I’ve treid to load up the x-ray but it’s been a FAIL.. needliesss to say it was BAD>

So today i wanert in to like have it put togehter BACK togheter and stuf.f I wass lll talkin to the nurse and stuff and then i passed the FUCK OUT>

then they cut open my ankel on both sides and put in a plate and some ccrews. theyn they put me back togehter. and then i was like STILL passed out. Beacaue of DRUGS. BUENNOS DROGAS.

Ummmm, I made my nurse pet my hari like my mommy did when i was litte. because i needed TLC like REAL bad. and my shuangnd wants’t there yet. they like didn’t let him back or something.

My leg/ankle was BURRRNNNNINNNNGGG and THROOOOBBBBBING. and it hurt, like REAL BAD> so the anestehsiologint asked if i wanst tedh the nerve block that we cah talked about pre-op. And i like asking something qiunsestions and then the nurse – you know ythend one that stroked my hari — doris was her name — said ‘i think you should get it’ like all sweet lik,e.

So i said OKA HOOK ME UP. So they did. and I can’t geeel mai legsgsss.

But at first i COULD eel the pain still

and Doris was all

You want a vicodin? an d i was all FUCK YEAH GIVE MET AHT SHITA BITCHA!!

well iddint’ wsayt that wai nlwas just like yes please

and she was like

have you had this before? and i was like YES

doris- you want one or two?

and i was like TWO. because i like thought i was int BIG pain.

ANd now i’m high. you’re welcome.

SMOOOOOCH.

Here’s me high: http://12seconds.tv/channel/VDog/229611

That is all. xoxoxoxo

I have a theory that you can mix vanilla vodka with anything in the world, and it will turn into a drink of happiness and unicorns.  I first came to this conclusion with the following drink, which had a name when I ordered it at a restaurant once, but I don’t remember it because I don’t remember things. (OH HAI GOOGLE)

Supplies:
Absolut Vanilia (or your vanilla vodka of choice)
Gingerale
Ice

Start out with a clean(ish) glass and a couple of ice cubes.  Add…oh I dunno, as much vodka as you want.  One of the reasons I loves me the vanilla vodka is because I can add an awfully lot to a mixed drink before I start to taste it.  If it were me, I’d fill it so the glass was just a little less than half full with the ice and the vodka, and then fill it to the top with gingerale.  If you’re you, and that doesn’t sound appealing, just add as much as you’re fixing to drink.

The result is a delicious cream soda that leaves you all warm and fuzzy by the time you get to the end.

Enjoy.

**

Miss Grace can be found at her blog Miss Grace’s Disgrace drinking vanilla vodka while googling your ass to find information that will prompt you to buy her more vanilla vodka to buy her silence.

I think you know the seven oh four gals recently got together in the sunny, er, wet city of Seattle for a little reunion. Part of the plan was to take headshots for this here website. And wouldn’ya know? THE SUN! It came out!

Eiieeyyy.

I’ve long known I have this.. thing.. with my left eye. It’s not lazy, it’s just squinty. As I age, it’s getting more and more squinty.

I’m completely unable to smile without looking like a pirate.

Let’s investigate:

Exhibit 1: The Lovely Vdog

Raur, baby! Spank that Oakland ass!

Exhibit 2: The FancyPants Dawn

I know, right? Smart AND Pretty. If I didn’t lover her I’d hate her for this.

Exhibit 3:

Where?! WHERE ARE MAH EYES?

Exhibit 4: Me with V’s eyes photo-shopped in.

:: shiver ::

Exhibit 5: We tried again! Take fourteen:

Still! STILL NO EYES.

You know, I’ve been told I look like Sandra Bullock. No! I have BEEN TOLD that. So here I am with Sandra Bullock’s eyes:

Still not right.

This is getting closer:

But not very natural.

So I pull out a photo with my friend Jenny from Great Little Stories in which I go so totally PIratey it’s scary:

Eiiiyyyy

This is better:

(Ish)

This leaves me with no other solution than to pick my favorite shot of the 230 pictures we took that day as my one and only headshot:

The ENZ.

(Eiiiyyy RRRrrrr)

(Which sound is more Piratey? Eeiiiyyy or Rrrrrr)

(Does it matter?)

(Yes)

(photo credit)

Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your loves sake. Amen.

page 134, Book of Common Prayer – Compline

(Originally Published May 31, 2009)

Hi.

Hello.

It’s Casey again.

Maybe you remember me from my guest post on Staying Dry at BlogHer (and I wasn’t talking about armpits)?

The ladies of 704 put on one heck of a party. There was even a streaker. These ladies know how to rock the boa.

Anyway, Eden Fantasys was a sponsor of their party and were nice enough to donate some items for a giveaway.

I won one of those items.

In true (let me know if this is not the proper application) cracker fashion the prize was handed to me at the Community Keynote where the entire table 704 was SOBBING into eco friendly bamboo cloths.

The prize was this.

Yes. That’s a sex toy. A vibrator. A G-spot vibrator. A Rock Chick G-Spot Massager Kit to be specific.

*ahem*

Now most of you are aware that I am quite uh, modest/prudish in my demeanor. I personally choose not to do the drinking or the swearing but could care less if you do. This would lead one to believe that I am equally prudish behind closed doors.

OH HO HO YOU WOULD BE WRONG.

I love the sex and have been proudly servicing my husband in various bendy ways for the last eight years with no complaints.

I joke that since I don’t do the drinking and swearing I make up for it horizontally.

Have I gone too far?

I figure it was only fair to let Eden Fantasys and the ladies of Room 704 know of my appreciation.

OMG MY APPRECIATION.

Yeah.

Ahem.

It works.

Well.

So thank you.

Go buy one.

And please never tell my dad about this.

xoxo

P.S. It’s waterproof. Just sayin’.

——

ROOM 704 SAYS: I WANT ONE OF THESE!! LIKE, REAL BAD. Thanks for the review, Casey!! *smooooch*

Also a HUGE THANK YOU!!! To Rock-Chick for donating so many wonderful prizes for our party. You ROCK!! heh

(Rock-Chick Sex toys available at Eden Fantasys adult store.)